The classic content and photos, preserved.

• Sound Energy: If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
• Gas Energy: If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
• Heart Pressure: The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps to squirt blood 30 feet. (O....M.G.!)
• Pig Biology: A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig...)
• Cockroaches: A cockroach will live nine days without its head before starving to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)
• Calories: Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home, maybe at work.)
• Praying Mantis: The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached. The female initiates sex by ripping it off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?)
• Fleas: A flea can jump 350 times its body length. That's like a human jumping a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
• Catfish: The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
• Lions: Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity.)
• Butterflies: Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
• Muscles: The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm...)
• Longevity: Right-handed people live 9 years longer on average than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
• Elephants: Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
• Cat Urine: A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
• Ostriches: An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
• Starfish: Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
• Polar Bears: Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
• Pleasure: Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference?

GUTS: Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS: Coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby."

Medical Note: Speaking medically, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after, rode motorcycles, went fishing and hunting, played golf a lot, drank beer and scotch, had tons of money in the bank, left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted.

The End.

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child, their first-born. Late one night, Lena wakes Ole and says, "I tink it's time!"

So Ole fired up the John Deere tractor and took her to the hospital. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, "A son! Ain't dat great!" Well, Ole got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! Ve ain't finished yet!" The doctor then held up a little girl: "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty little ting, too."

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Holey Moley, Ole, we still ain't done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you just had yourself another boy!"

Ole was flabbergasted by this news! A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, "How come we got tree on the first try?"

Lena said, "You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you went out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

Ole said, "Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a damn good thing I didn't get the WD-40!"

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this to go on, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse, and kissed her passionately while her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down, basking in the glow.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

Bob thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department, and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.

On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello," said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming bird hunting trip. Unfortunately, Dave had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing, Dave headed home frustrated.

That weekend, when the buddies arrived up at the cabin, they were completely shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting in a lawn chair having a cold beer, orange vest on, shotgun in the truck, and his dog running around.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Dave?"

"Believe it or not, I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Thursday night, when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, covered my eyes, and said, 'Surprise!'"

"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful new see-through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want'..."

"SO, HERE I AM!"

Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Duluth when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room at the clinic, and when he got there the Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got the fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers?" the doctor said. "Lord, it's 2009 and I've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques! I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Ole says: "How the fock was I supposed to pick them up?"

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

(Pause...)

Saudi Air: "ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC!"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY APPROACHING FROM OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey'."